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Jared Woods


I'll try make this brief.

So I was on my way to go watch The Horrors which my good mate Kris Cook had organized for free (he was filming them, so props brother). Pretty amped, had just got to Liverpool Street Station when my colleague and friend and the-guy-I-owe-all-this-to, Chris Kinch, calls me. He said "Jared, no jokes, I am at the King and Queen, and Lily Allen is here".

The King and Queen is my local, I drink there more than any other place really, so despite my skepticism, made my way back to the area. Sure enough, I arrived, Lily was there. Which, after all this craziness, was pretty overwhelming.

But I chilled. England was playing Algeria, I was sure we would win, so I watched the game trying not to think that she was there at all.

Half time: she left with her boy, and like a good little groupie, I chased her down the road with Chris. Her guy told us to back off and so I shouted "I MADE A CARTOON ABOUT YOU!" She turned and smiled and said "I am coming back". Which made me pretty happy, I won't lie. My friends kept saying that she wasn't coming back and that she didn't recognise me, but I didn't think this was the case.

So the second half started, and I was sucked in. Bleak, nobody scored (which is ridiculous England, seriously, wtf). Anyways, so afterwards, I go outside for a cigarette and I see Lily there, and I take a deep breathe and walk up to her.

I go "Lily". And she says "Jared". Which is pretty cool. Then I said something like "hi" and she said "so is it all over now?" and I said "yes, it's all over". All in all, that was about as rad as that could have gone. I asked for a photo, and she was really nice about it and my mates took them. I asked her if she thought the whole thing was weird, and she said not at all. She was probably lying, but anyways. She asked "why me though?" and I said "it was a bet", which didn't come out the way I wanted it to. We spoke about a few other things as well, it was brief but that's all I wanted anyway.

Then I went to The Horrors and they were amazing.

So yeah, I met Lily Allen nanana.

Some of you might say "well, that was a fluke. You were at the right place at the right time. It wasn't the internet". And to those I say: suck both my testicles. Individually. One at a time.

Regardless, she did know who I was because of the net, by name and by face. Even more so: my mate wouldn't have called me to tell me she was there if he wasn't aware of the mission. And finally: I really don't give a fuck.

It's over. There will be no more Lily Allen cartoons, I'm sorry. This website is as good as dead. But if you thought this was somewhat funny, check out - there is some cool stuff I'm doing there, and some cool stuff that will be happening soon. I just free'd up a lot of time, and there will be something to fill the gap soon :)

Thanks to everyone who Helped Jared Woods Meet Lily Allen. I'm not going to name-drop, you know who you are.

And on the off chance that you are reading this: Lily, thanks for being so cool about it and not labelling me a freak stalker like 50% of everyone else. You lived up to the hype. Sometimes people say nasty things about you, but one thing this mission has revealed to me is that you have some of the most dedicated fans in the world. So you can be happy about that. Thanks for the music, maybe we'll meet again one day, I'll buy you a drink next time :P

Jared Woods
Now that you are here, please look at my other sites too. They are cool.

Juice Nothing
The Funpowder Plot